i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
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