I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Randomize
