How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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