Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
