I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
