oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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