I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
