Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
