My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
