OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
