I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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