omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
