My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
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