She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize