i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
last night I used snow as a chaser
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize