is your mom at the bar?
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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