This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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