we made out on top of his cat.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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