I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Randomize
