Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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