So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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