capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
