wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
