Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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