I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
