I don't usually arrange sex via text message
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
