Betty ford says i'm here all night
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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