you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
