Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
