fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
