Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
