make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
