I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
