Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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