My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
