I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
