Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
