is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
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