i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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