if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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