Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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