My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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