would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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