i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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