Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
