I wish I could punch you in the face.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
