god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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