Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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