oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
