So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
