my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
