Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
