If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
