How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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