def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
