Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
