I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
