she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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