you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
