so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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